Bad storytelling, good stand up.

A few weeks ago, on the way back from an university gig, I had a conversation with the funny Steve Bugeja about a story he told in his set. It was a story which began with someone mistaking his name with 'Steve Buscemi'. Now, I am the sort of pompous comedian who tells other performers things like 'that joke would be funnier if you added this', 'that joke is not working because of...', and so on. This is without being asked for advice mind you. It is a miracle I don't get punched more often in green rooms.

I took issue with Steve's story, not because it didn't work; it got a big laugh. No, that wasn't what bothered me. It felt that he had told half a story.  This happens a lot in stand up comedy.  A comedian will introduce a narrative, tell the story until the humorous climax, and then move on. It never seems to bother audiences.  After all they laughed; it's a comedy club, that's what it's for. However, my other job is fiction writer.  I write short stories, plays and unmarketable novels. Unresolved stories bother me. Imagine Cinderella if it ended as she runs away from the ball?  Imagine Romeo and Juliet ended with the slaying of Mercutio? No! No! I can't take it. My fiction writer OCD cannot abide such abomination.

In developing my new one man show, I have written a story which is not getting enough laughs.   Here it is at present.
 

Now if, I was a sensible comedian the joke would end at the 'is it something about my face?' point. That's the biggest laugh.  All I need to do is tell the story up to that point, get the laugh, and move on. Good stand up comedian.  But the story would be incomplete.  Bad storytelling.

At the heart of most stories there is a simple structure.  A protagonist wants something, something is standing in the way, they either get it or don't get it.  Cinderella wants happiness, her evil stepmother and sisters stand in the way, hijinx ensue, she gets that happily ever after.

In my massage story I am  looking for a relief from pain, I run into the obstacle of a person who thinks I am at the massage therapist for something else and then...

At present, the story is not working for a number of reasons.  The ending is predictable. The stakes are too low.  My goal shifts midway in the story and several other narrative deficiencies.  To fix the story, I have several options.

I could end the story at 'is it something about my face'.  After all, that was the biggest laugh.  For all my ranting at Steve Bugeja, sometimes the big laugh is where the story should end, finished or not.

No, I refuse, and not just because of narrative OCD.  I truly think that a story told on stage with a full arc is more satisfying and will get a bigger laugh than half a story.  So how do I fix the massage story?  I have several options which I will try over the next few weeks.  The one which I will expand on here is CLARIFYING THE OBJECTIVE.

As currently told, the reason I enter the massage therapist's office in the story is to get relief from pain.  However, the climax of the story has nothing to do with getting, or not getting, pain relief. This might be why the story is unsatisfying.

I think in draft 2 I will make the objective the search for love.  I'm going to the gym, to get in shape, in the search for love.  In fact, receptionists misunderstanding might be made funnier if I introduce an attraction to the massage therapist.  If I want to ask her on  a date, her assumption about me would be funnier.  If I act overconfident and arrogant, her assumption I am a pervert could even be a natural end to the story.  Alternatively, the situation could spiral with my trying to woo her in several ways and just seeming more and more like a pervert through more misunderstandings.

I may be wrong.  Jokes cannot be fixed in a vacuum.  I'll need to try this new approach in front of an audience.  I'll let you know if it works.  If not, there's always plan B.  End the story in the middle, get the laugh, admit I am a blowhard,  move on.